relationships are easy to get but hard to maintain. and once you wanna get over it, it's hard to do even do that again.
you could have as many fights and could have pointed a million ways that you two are not compatible and you couldnt have felt more disinterested when he's droning on an on about how wrong your relationship was, but when you found out that he's calling her "kamu" and saying "goodnights" to her and meeting her after classes, you wish that you had a throat nearby to slit. two hroats preferably, his and hers.
so it is what it is.
though he begged. though he wished you took him back.
you said no.
an hour later, you call back.
demanding that he does more begging.
and then you did take him back.
and then you started doing what you yourself even call "the pitiful slut thing", you start to hope that senior in campus is going to notice you. you started calling up your old friends to talk and rant. youd breakdown in front of your friends in a public place. you'd listen to advices bearing the word "dignity" and "self-worth" and phrases like; "well, he can go fuck himself." you want to go out more. you want to hang out with guys and forget that it's their species that was making you miserable in the first place. you'd welcome a guy to come into your house at nearly midnight, you'd call up somebody you have no interest in and take him out to a movie, you'd start having "potential fling" with a guy you last seen 5 years ago and in a relationship with some other girl. and then you call your boyfriend and say you wanted out.
o my god. look at the monster that youve become.
and the ex-boyfriend you're trying to forget? he's still here. all over your ass and still out with that girl.
and then your ex-boyfriend came by, he has the balls to call you a pitiful slut at your own house. yet he threatens to beat up every guy that disrespect your ass. he even wanted to beat up your neighbor. he cant stay for long, except to tell you what a dumbfuck you've become, because the glass window of his car is broken, by his hands. theyre still red at the knuckles. you shake your head, hoping to knock some sense into the now-enraged, piece of testosterone you used to call "baby."
so you go out some more. you go introduce this money-making, twenty-something, seemingly responsible guy to your mom. stupid move and oh fuck, there was the age difference. half of the guys in your family are married by that age. so you try to forget that this guy has a girlfriend and then like a dumbfuck you hope he'd take all of your problem away. like a dumbfuck you'd pay more rupiah to message his international ass. sometimes he replies and you forget what you just said to yourself above. you start to live, eat and breathe a lie. that guy was probably screwing the brains out of some cheap local slut as he sent you messages.
now you look idiotic from both sides.
you were nothing but an alternative.
you think you were the one having a blast and getting the most out of your breakup.
but after he left you were the one humiliated.
alone. the same way you felt that day.
only worse.
and you're surprised that you're still annoyed by the fact that your ex-bpyfriend is still seeing that whore after all this.
only worse.
what do you do?
you wished you could take it all back. you wished you were never in this mess at the first place. you wished you were ballsier, braver to just. act normal.
but then your ex-boyfriend came by again.
you both sat outside, in your terrace.
his shirt wet from sweat, despite the cold air of the night.
he said he doesnt want anything from you.
but just thought you'd like to know,
so he tells you that he was never going to see that whore again.
you're like "yeah but that still doesnt change a thing."
but you secretly thought "may there be hope between me and him."
and he just shrugged, as though gesturing total lack of ambition.
though he secretly thought, "my mission is to win you back again."
*****
so they both went to bed that night, somewhat reminiscing years that they had toghether, the laughters and tears they shared together. all the emotions they never knew existed, or capable of infesting humans, they have felt. when the whole world turned agains them, they stood by each other, nothing could rip them apart except themselves. their egos boasted too high. and their loneliness was too long. it was clear that when they were apart, they couldnt really be apart. he was always calling her in the middle of the night for her to listen to his rampage. she was always scrutinizing him for being with that girl that she prefer to call whore or anything less than that.
they were an item. inseparable by even their own brains and sense of judgement.
there was no final statements. there was no promise. there was no agreement. even after all the cheating and the lying they found the heart to trust on each other again. completely and without a doubt. so suddenly they let their guards down. exposed. fragile. vulnerable.
they'd give anything to be with each other again. they'd even deflate their egos and swallow their own words. there was no apologies. both of them understood now.
forever and always. now both of them understood what this meant.
Labels: mushy.
